Magic is rad and spells are cool Summoning demons before school Carving a pentagram in Carl's desk Because he was an asshole Go to the store, get salt for later Draw a circle, summon an alligator Get a familiar that changes its shape Into a snail or a narwhal We need to stick together Best friends for life, forever! (Yeah!) Use our powers for good and just as much for evil (Yeah yeah yeah) The Magical Adventures of Portia & Courtney: Based on a True Story! Based on a True Story Going down a wormhole for a trip to hell It's just a Saturday afternoon Meeting an angel to make three wishes Turns out it's made of a million eyes We need to stick together Best friends for life, forever! (Yeah!) Use our powers for good and just as much for evil (Yeah yeah yeah) The Magical Adventures of Portia & Courtney: Based on a True Story! Based on a True Story We need to stick together Best friends for life, forever! (Yeah!) Use our powers for good and just as much for evil (Yeah yeah yeah) The Magical Adventures of Portia & Courtney: Based on a True Story! Based on a True Story The Magical Adventures of Portia & Courtney: Based on a True Story! Based on a True Story

C: Are you busy? P: No, not really. I was about to change a lightbulb, but that can wait. C: I wanna go out. P: Where? C: Guess. P: The aquarium. C: No. P: The art museum. C: No. P: The library? C: No. P: Where else is there? C: The mall! P: Oh. I thought you were broke? Do you even have any money? C: No. But let's go anyway. P: Okay! I wanna spend all my money at the mall We could go after work if you're bored Take the elevator from the subway station Get whatever you want from the food court When I was young I didn't have a dime And whenever I got one I spent it on darts Now that I'm depressed with reasons and I have a line of credit I'm elevating shopping to an art I want to spend all my money at the mall At the mall, at the mall, at the mall! (Oooh, at the mall!) Oh, my dear friend, will you witness all my sin At the mall, at the mall, at the mall! (Oooh, at the mall!) If I could spend all my fucking money on Shoes and clothes and cosmetics then Fuck yes I'd spend all my fucking money on Shoes and clothes and cosmetics, I'd go to the housewares section and sew The seeds of Armageddon and spend A thousand fucking dollars On a Dior dinner napkin (Ugh!) I want to spend all my money at the mall At the mall, at the mall, at the mall! (Oooh, at the mall!) Oh, my dear friend, will you witness all my sin At the mall, at the mall, at the mall! (Oooh, at the mall!) FEED ME GARBAGE WITNESS ME! HA HA HA BURN IT BURN ALL THE MONEY BURN IT ALL HAHAHA! THERE'S NO BETTER PLACE TO BURN MONEY THAN AT THE MALL I want to spend all my money at the mall At the mall, at the mall, at the mall! (Oooh, at the mall!) Oh, my dear friend, will you witness all my sin At the mall, at the mall, at the mall! (Oooh, at the mall!) LOOK AT THAT BILL LOOK AT IT SMELL IT HAHAHAHA! P: Oh yeah, fuck yeah! C: Um, you know, that's not really what I was expecting that a trip to the mall would be like with you, I'm not gonna lie. P: Well, I just love to shop, I mean.. you know? C: Yeah, I just, you know, I thought it would be... fun! P: Oh! You didn't think it was fun? C: Um, it was fine. It was just a little intense.

If you truly want to sing along to Caffazepam because it's pretty catchy, here are the words: Most moms need an energy drink but haven’t found the right one This one’s made of an all natural blend of caffeine and diazepam Caffazepam, Caffazepam It’s minerals and it’s made of diamonds Caffazepam, Caffazepam If you love your mom, you’ll tell your mom all about it Caffazepam, Caffazepam, Tell your mom about it, it’s not for your dad

Robots of the future (Witches versus robots) Robots with lazer eyes (Witches versus robots) Robots with sharp teeth (Witches versus robots) Robots with super brains and super strength and super pain powers Witches versus robots What spells do they use From their ancient spell book that came from space? Cast a spell full of magma (Witches versus robots) Cast a spell full of rust (Witches versus robots) Cast a spell full of lava (Witches versus robots) Cast a metal melting spell (Witches versus robots) Witches versus robots What spells do they use From their ancient spell book that came from space? Witches versus robots They are triumphant with their powers of good and evil Witches versus robots They are triumphant with their magic Witches versus robots They are triumphant with their powers of good and evil Witches versus robots They are triumphant! Witches triumph over robots from the future with their magic! Witches triumph over robots from the future with their magic!

I don’t want to watch television I would like to talk to a ghost I don’t want to watch television I would like to talk to a ghost I don’t want to scroll through my phone no I would like to speak to the dead I don’t want to scroll through my phone no I would like to speak to the dead Haunted by a poltergeist On this dark and stormy night It’s been moving the chairs And opening cabinets Cooling the air with a feeling of madness But this house is mine now This house is mine now C: Aren't poltergeists kind of known to be dangerous? P: No no, it's fine. It's perfectly harmless, I just want to talk to it. C: For the record, I'm scared. P: Come oon! I don’t want to play a video game Want to tour purgatory I don’t want to play a video game Want to tour purgatory Haunted by a poltergeist On this dark and stormy night It’s been creaking the floors Levitating my mattress Cooling the air with a feeling of madness But this house is mine now This house is mine now Let’s get a Ouija board and summon Johnny! J O H N N Y Johnny, what year did you die? 1980, 86 Johnny’s picking up his sticks, Oh! J O H N N Y Johnny what year did you die? Johnny what year did you die? It’s been moving the chairs And opening cabinets Cooling the air with a feeling of madness But this house is mine now This house is mine now I don’t want to watch television I don’t want to scroll through my phone I don’t want to play a video game I don’t want to go it alone C: Portia, um, I think my life just flashed before my eyes. P: Oh cool! C: No, not cool. I think I saw my own birth. P: What?! You think you saw your own birth? You remember that now? Nobody can remember their own birth. That's special. C: Um. Yeah, ok. P: Come ooon. I mean, memories. Life is all about making memories, right? Kodak moments? C: Yeah, this was definitely a Kodak moment. P: Yeah! C: It was memorable. I'll give you that. Ok? P: Memorable! Yeah, ok. And on that note, Johnny had a dog, and it's very unhappy! C: Oh my god. P: Let's talk to it!

P: What do you mean we're setting up last? Like, we're going first, we're opening the show? C: Well, yeah, I mean, it just looks like, yeah, we've been bumped to... open.. yeah. P: (scoffs) Fuck. I can't believe this. Who did they get? Who did they get. C: Um. So. The second act dropped out and um.. P: Yes, I know Courtney - who is it? C: Storebought Suicide is in town? P: What do you mean they're "in town"? They live here! They've always lived here! C: Yeah, but you know, they're a band, they're in town, like what do you want me to say? They're playing the show, ok? P: Fuck. Fuck! Goddamn it, those guys are - they're such douchebags. How could you let this happen? Please believe me Do not leave me You don't know me You don't want to I am calling from the edge of civilization Was I adopted or am I just different? I'm dying in your foyer, but I am all right Dreaming crying losing you inside your strawberry hellscape every time Would you know my name Recognize my Face among the faceless masses I am faceless, I am nameless And my parents don't know who I am Were we adopted or are we just different? I'm crying in your bathroom, but I am all right Dreaming crying losing you inside your strawberry hellscape every time P: You just want to fuck Carl. Just say that. You can just say that. C: I don't want to fuck Carl, I want to marry him. P: Ew! Ugh. Why do you have to kill my confidence like that? Right before a show.

Illuminati from the seventh dimension (Witches versus illuminati) Illuminati with mind control (Witches versus illuminati) Illuminati from the mirror world (Witches versus illuminati) Illuminati with powers of confusion and excellent news literacy skills Witches versus illuminati Which spells do they use From their ancient spell book from outer space? Analytical reasoning spell (Witches versus illuminati) Cast a spell for really good research (Witches versus illuminati) (B+! A-! Really good research!) Spell that confuses illuminati (Witches versus illuminati) Aluminum hat spell! (Aluminum hat spell!) Deflecting mind control rays and influence Witches versus illuminati Which spells do they use From their ancient spell book from outer space? Witches versus illuminati They are triumphant with their powers of good and evil Witches versus illuminati They are triumphant with their magic Witches versus illuminati They are triumphant with their powers of good and evil Witches versus illuminati They are triumphant Witches triumph over the illuminati with their magic! Witches triumph over the illuminati with their magic!

C: I'm so excited to maybe relax today and do something normal. P: What's normal? C: Well, I thought it could be like us watching a movie or something? P: I mean, yeah there's that, but I just found a really cool spell in the spell book. C: So you wanna cast a spell. I hope it's benign. P: I need an example of a benign.. spell. C: Um. One that helps me fold all of my laundry really well. P: Yeah... I mean it's... it's close! Cast a spell to go back in time See some dinosaurs Get scared and come back to the present Dinosaurs are very scary See some fucked up wars Experience the reign of terror Snuff boxes and colonization Get upset and come back to the present Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time speeeeell! C: The past makes me upset P: Same! Let’s go to the future. It probably be better than the past, right? C: Yeah, it’ll obviously be better. P: Yeah, for sure! C: God I hope so. See a scary perfect utopia Built on cloning conspiracies Everybody here gets killed in secret It’s really scary it’s a dystopia Discover a world that is a simulation Computers want to destroy humanity And robots look like people and they want to be people and Basically are people and they kill humans all the time Depressed robots, oppressed robots Scary robots So so scary! Misunderstood robots, murderous robots Scary robots So so scary! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time spell! Time speeeeell! Time hell! Time hell! Time hell! Time hell! Time hell! Time hell! Time hell! Time hell! Time hell! Time hell! Time hell! Time hell! Time heeeell! Get upset and come back to the present Get upset and come back to the present But the present still upsets me At least we are together Get upset and come back to the present Get upset and come back to the present But the present still upsets me At least we are together

Marina, do you want these flowers? They'll die in a day Take my fucking heart and destroy it In your death-shaped ashtray Marina, do you want these flowers? I left them on your doorstep Just like an abandoned baby At a cathedral of death I'm crying in your bathroom Smelling your used towels Thinking this will be the last time I think of you tonight Marina, do you want these flowers? Dug a hole in your backyard, threw them in Had a one man funeral And it was so hard I'm crying in the basement Where we used to die Thinking this will be the last time Thinking this will be the last time I think of you tonight Carl: Um yeah that sounded like to me y'know um just one thing before we're done cause we're gonna go across the street to get some tacos and I'm just wondering if I could get could like try something different, and I'm just gonna need more vocals drums guitar and bass in my monitor cool Sound Guy: Yeah, whatever you want, Carl. Whatever you want. C: Wow! P: Close your mouth. You're gonna swallow a fly.

Loose Grains is 90% sugar And 95% grains And 30% of your daily fibre And 40% less of your stomach pains Wake up with loose grains in your breakfast pocket No making stains when you wake up with loose grains

Getting out of a nice bed (Witches versus getting out of bed) Damn it's fucking cold this morning (Witches versus getting out of bed) It's so nice and toasty in the bed (Witches versus getting out of bed) Winter sucks and it's cold and it's uncomfortable WHY IS IT SO COLD?! Witches are so comfy Which spells do they use From their ancient spell book from outer space? Cast a time pausing spell (Witches versus getting out of bed) Cast a toasty clothing spell (Witches versus getting out of bed) Cast a floating bed all day spell (Witches versus getting out of bed) Cast a spell that make the bed the world's most comfortable form of transportation! Witches are so comfy Which spells do they use From their ancient spell book from outer space? Witches versus getting out of bed They are triumphant with their powers of good and evil Witches versus getting out of bed They are triumphant with their magic Witches versus getting out of bed They are triumphant with their powers of good and evil Witches versus getting out of bed They are triumphant Witches triumph over getting out of bed when they don't want to! Witches triumph over getting out of bed now with their magic!

C: Portia, I’m going to a work party next week and I need a plus one. Will you come with me? P: Sure. What's the dress code? Is it business casual? Please say it's business casual. C: You're joking. No. It’s a formal event. How many gowns do you have to choose from in your wardrobe? Thinking something with like more of a summer vibe. Y'know? P: Courtney, I have never needed a gown in my entire life. Do you even own a gown? C: (scoffs) Sweetie. Let's just go buy one. P: Where? C: The thrift store! Whether or not I’m poor I like to go to the thrift store It’s really great, it’s got a ton of stuff Some of it is shit but it is good and I love it So let’s go to the thrift store The bell rings when you open the door Let’s go to two or three or five or four Yes, I love the thrift store LOVE IT! Thrift store thrift store thrift store thrift store Thrift store thrift store thrift store thrift store Fool me once, shame on you (shame on you) Fool me twice, shame on me (shame on me) But there is no shame in second hand Or third hand or fourth hand or fifth hand or sixth hand You can’t really tell! These shoes smell, but I love them And they fit well because they’re broken in You look SMOKIN' in that dress How much is it - it's actually kind of expensive? Thrift store thrift store thrift store thrift store (Thrift store!) Thrift store thrift store thrift store thrift store (Thrift store!) (thrift store guitar solo) The thrift store is more expensive than I thought, but maybe I’ll find a cheap gem! I think I found something that will work if I can get it hemmed Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Thrift store thrift store thrift store thrift store (Thrift store!) Thrift store thrift store thrift store thrift store (Thrift store!)

(cool sunglasses intro) I wanna make some pottery That sounds nice Let’s attend a pottery class Let’s not think twice, no We could make a bowl We could make a vase We could make a mug We could make a statue (repeat with harmonies) We could make a bowl We could make a vase We could make a mug We could make a statue Oh oh oh! Oh oh oh! Let’s go to a pottery class. Let’s go to a pottery class. Maybe a cool girl will attend Our pottery class Does she have tats? Does she wear glasses? Is she a witch and that’s why I like her? (Is she a witch and that’s why I like her?) We could make a bowl We could make a vase We could make a mug We could make a statue We could make a plate We could make a trinket We could make some pottery that looks like a biscuit We could make some pottery that looks like a poo But what kind of poo Is really up to me And the feeling of my creative energy Let’s go to a pottery class! (Let’s go to a pottery class) Let’s go to a pottery class! (Let’s go to a pottery class hey!) Let’s go to a pottery class! (Let’s go to a pottery class) Let’s go to a pottery class! (Let’s go to a pottery class hey!) Does it look like a pile of diarrhea? Does it look like a robust healthy stool? Something you’d be proud to give a doctor So a doctor knows that you’re cool There's nothing that I would rather do-oo Than to make some pottery with you There's nothing that I would rather do-oo Than to make some pottery with you There's nothing that I would rather do-oo Than to make some pottery with you

Carl: ok this is a new song "it's probably gonna sound like shit but whatever" um yeah lets try it out lets see how it goes C: They have a new song! I'm so glad we're at the sound check. Aren't you excited? P: No! Carl: Greg are you ready Greg: yeah whatever Carl: sick ok lets try it goodbye you don't even know my name you don't even know what i look like our love was like a feral child that never learned to speak feral love in excess bleeding on the ground crying knowing that we're gonna die before the sun goes out a million trillion years from now KILL MEEE KILL MEEE P: Courtney, are you crying? C: No! Before the sun goes -- goodbye do you know what my name is i woke up and can't remember im suffering im suffering from amnesia our regrets in calamine wasted in a parking lot crying drinking metamucil just for fun before the sun goes i would love every minute of dyiiiiiing in your arms C: Oh my -- P: Courtney. Courtney, you've known Carl for like a decade! Don't do this to yourself. You know what he's like! C: But he's sensitive! P: You know he's a fucking douchebag! Look at him! C: And he's hot! Look at him, he's so hot!

You can’t eat toothpaste, it’s not recommended But you can eat Clortexx Toothpaste Brush your teeth and then have a snack You can eat Clortexx Toothpaste - how about that?! Clortexx Toothpaste, a snack and a toothpaste Clortexx Toothpaste, I didn’t say it tastes good Clortexx Toothpaste, it can feed your cat Clortexx Toothpaste, how about that? Clortexx Toothpaste: The only edible toothpaste that dentists recommend 80% of the time as a snack and a 50% of the time as a toothpaste when they are most likely to recommend toothpaste to a third of their patients!

Jumping spiders jump into your face (Witches versus jumping spiders) Jumping spiders jump and kick (Witches versus jumping spiders) Jumping spiders aren't poisonous (Witches versus jumping spiders) Jumping spiders have eight legs they're regular spiders except they jump (Jump jump jump!) Witches versus jumping spiders Which spells do they use From their ancient spell book from outer space? Cast a spell that makes a shield (Witches versus jumping spiders) Cast a spell that makes them unable to jump (Witches versus jumping spiders) Feel so bad about doing that (Witches versus jumping spiders) Give back their jumping powers and then cast a spell on themselves for empathy and understanding Witches versus jumping spiders Which spells do they use From their ancient spell book from outer space? Witches versus jumping spiders They are triumphant with their powers of good and evil Witches versus jumping spiders They are triumphant with their magic Witches versus jumping spiders They are triumphant with their powers of good and evil Witches versus jumping spiders They are triumphant Witches triumph and make friends with jumping spiders with their magic! Witches triumph and make friends with jumping spiders with their magic!

Might never get better than Season One We met the characters and now the mystery’s gone The Magical Adventures of Portia and Courtney: Based on a True Story: Season Finale They fought the robots and they won They fought the illuminati and they won Oh yeah season one It was so much fucking fun They got cast in a ballet in starring roles And they went to the bottom of the ocean And they went on magic space patrol How could it get any better than that? Courtney made a really cool snow globe And Portia bought some amazing boots They went to the CN Tower And they got fucked up when they went to the running of the bulls They got turned into snakes by Mephistopheles And Courtney didn’t mind it so much And Portia missed her arms and legs How could it get any better than that? The Magical Adventures of Portia and Courtney: Based on a True Story: Season Finale Who got killed? Was it Carl? Wouldn’t that be nice? Was it Greg? Was it the sound guy? Who got killed? (Who got killed?) Who got killed? (Who got killed?) Was it Nel? Was it Lorna? Was it Steven? Fuck, I hope it wasn’t Steven We won’t know, we won’t find out until next season! Does Courtney get with Carl? I fucking hope not I hope not We don’t know but it looked like they almost kissed C: He's hot! P: Goddamnit Courtney! C: What? Who stole the spell book? Someone stole the ancient space book of spells Was it the instructor from the pottery class? Or was it those pesky magical wardrobe elves? UGH! Does Portia defeat depression? Probably not because it is depression. Cast a spell against depression (C: It's okay Portia. Depression's hard.) It hasn’t worked yet. (C: It's not your fault.) P: I know. You're right. It's just hard. Who is Carl? Is Carl a lackey for the future robot queen? Is he a slave to Dr. Maverick’s Dystopia Machine? Is he controlled by the internet? Is he a regular human being? Who is Carl? Carl is who? We won’t know until season twooooo! The Magical Adventures of Portia and Courtney: Based on a True Story: Season Finale The Magical Adventures of Portia and Courtney: Based on a True Story: Season Finale

Two girls looking for a good time One has a headache and the other is fine They're just two girls looking for a good time One's on the edge of losing control The other signed a contract to sell her soul They're just two girls looking for a good time Two girls practicing the dark arts Both have talent and both have smarts They're just two girls looking for a good time Two girls Two girls Two girls looking for a good time